Site Updated: 5 January, 2009

Thomas and Martha Neate, with Tutor. Joshua Reynolds ~ Oil on canvas. 167 x 180 cm. 1748. The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York, USA.  Image courtesy of Olga's Gallery.

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"All well-regulated families set apart an hour every morning for tea and bread and butter”

~Joseph Addison

"Families work out, test, and refine their values as they break bread together. The forums for important ideas didn’t begin in town meetings or at city councils. They were born at supper tables by family members who tested them on each other.

~ William L. Coleman

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."

~Calvin Trillin

All Around the Table:
Reviving the Family Meal 

by Rebecca Sweat

Waiting in line at the grocery store check-out, the woman behind me pointed to the bags of apples, flour and sugar in my shopping cart and remarked, “Looks like you're going home to do some baking.”

“We're going to have apple pie for dessert after dinner tonight,” I replied.

“Dinner?” she asked in a surprised tone. “Dinner with the whole family? About the only time my family eats dinner together anymore is at Thanksgiving and Christmas.”

Unfortunately, this way of thinking is becoming the norm, at least for Americans. Today both parents often spend full days at the office, commute an hour or more each way in heavy traffic, take night classes to improve job skills, and work weekends to meet deadlines. Dinner may mean popping a frozen burrito in the microwave; or a hamburger and fries from the drive-through, eaten alone and “on the run.”

According to the Food Marketing Institute, just 40 percent of American families eat meals together, and then, no more than two or three times a week. Is that bad? Is the family meal worth saving? Or is it destined to become a thing of the past, something left for reruns of Leave it to Beaver and Father Knows Best?

Nutritional reasons alone make the family meal worth saving. Kids left to themselves to find something to eat are likely to choose a diet of toaster pastries, potato chips and frozen pizza. When parents present children with a variety of foods at regular mealtimes, they better their chances of developing good eating habits in their children

But perhaps most important, the family dinner gives family members a chance to reconnect with each other after a long day at school or work. “Eating together as a family can help give your children a feeling of security and a sense of knowing who they are and where they come from,” says Margaret Mackenzie, a nutritional anthropologist and member of The American Institute of Wine & Food's “Resetting the American Table” project. “The family meal is much more than food on the table. You are creating warm, happy memories and meanings your children will carry with them the rest of their lives.”

Clifton Saper Ph.D., a family psychologist in Evanston , Illinois , agrees, and adds that family dinners are very worthwhile, as long as the interaction is kept positive. “The family dinner is the place to report on what you're doing, what you've been up to, what you're thinking. But sometimes the whole focus is on manners and 'Eat your vegetables' and then the meal becomes a negative experience for both the parents and the kids,” he says. "But if parents can get beyond that, if their focus instead is on open communication and creating an atmosphere that's relaxed and comfortable, then the meal is going to help strengthen family ties.”

Here are some suggestions for restoring this endangered tradition and making mealtimes a positive family experience:  

~Get everyone involved.

After a long day at work, making dinner may be the last thing Mom wants to do. One solution is to make dinner a family project. “The whole family can be in the kitchen together, one person setting the table, someone else doing the stir-fry, another making a salad, and everyone can help clean-up afterwards,” says Barbara James, an associate professor of Family and Consumer Sciences at Ohio State University Extension. Not only does this take the load off Mom's shoulders, she says, but “it's also a good opportunity for communication and for teaching children how to cook.”

Even pre-schoolers and toddlers can have a part to play. Give your 4-year-old a step stool and let him stir the muffin batter or rinse raw vegetables. Your toddler will enjoy sitting in his high chair, watching you as you cook. Talk about what you're doing as you do it. For example, “This is how we crack eggs for omelets...”

If your child is a fussy eater, getting him or her involved with cooking has an additional benefit. “Trying new foods is more palatable for the child if the child has helped prepare that food. A child is more likely to try creamed spinach if he had a part in stirring the sauce,” James notes.  

~Turn off the television.

For many American families, dinner means grabbing a plate of food and a TV tray and sitting down in front of the television. “People can be ill at ease talking to others,” Mackenzie says. “Most are not terribly good at developing listening skills, and under these conditions, television is a refuge.”

Make it a goal to eat at the dining room table for most meals, without a TV on in the background. You may think your kids will protest, but assure them you are going to abide by the same rules yourself. If there is a favorite television show which comes on during the dinner hour, be willing to record it to watch later, perhaps while the family eats dessert.  

~Avoid food struggles.

It's great to introduce your children to new foods, but do it gradually and don't force them to eat more than a small sample of something new. “Children are often picky eaters, and you're only going to create tension if you expect them to eat all the same foods adults do,” Saper says.

Try to be understanding if you're kids aren't as excited about asparagus soufflé as you and your spouse may be. Offer substitute foods to your children on nights when you're serving foods that might be difficult for them. Yogurt, bagels, mini frozen pizzas and cheese and crackers are all good “emergency substitutes” to have on hand.

  ~Take phone messages.

It never seems to fail that the minute you sit down for dinner is when the phone rings. If you have an answering machine, let it record messages for you during mealtimes so you can eat your dinner without interruptions. If a machine isn't available, ask your friends and family to put off their phone calls until after your children's bedtime unless there's an emergency.  

~Keep table conversation pleasant.

The family meal is not the time for discipline, lectures, arguments, criticism or sulking. Talk should be light, happy and upbeat. “If you had a rough day at work and need to blow off steam, try to do it before you come to the dinner table,” Saper suggests. Set the tone for your children. Show them that dinner is supposed to be a pleasant time.  

~Get the entire family involved in the conversation.

You may be tempted to use the entire mealtime to tell your spouse about your business meeting, but don't leave your children out completely. Tell them what you did at work today in terms they can understand. Ask your children how their own day went at school, get their thoughts about any interesting news stories you heard about today, talk about the family's plans for the weekend, or elicit their ideas for family projects.  

~Be creative.

Prime rib and scalloped potatoes may sound wonderful to you and your spouse, but your children may be far less than excited. Be creative with your menus. Get some input from your kids, and treat them occasionally with their favorites too.

Backyard cookouts, T.V. trays on the porch and picnics in the park are all enjoyable meal alternatives for the summer months. Try ethnic food themes. One night everything you serve might be German and another night Italian or Chinese. Fondues, making mini pizzas together, and Mexican dinners with plenty of tortilla chips and salsa are also fun. They slow mealtime down, allowing for more time to talk.

If your evenings are booked solid, get together with the family for after-school snacks, late-night desserts, early morning breakfasts during weekdays, or Sunday brunches instead of dinners.

If you're not much for cooking, pick up a giant submarine sandwich at the sub shop and a ready-made tossed salad at the grocery store. Or buy some croissants, Hoagie buns, sliced meats and cheese, relish, lettuce and tomatoes, and arrange everything on the table assembly-line style.

Take shortcuts, such as buying already baked dinner rolls or pre-shredded cabbage for coleslaw. Buy pre-cooked roitisserie chickens that you only have to heat up when you get home. What matters most is that the family gets together, not that it has to be at dinnertime or everything you serve has to be homemade.  

~Turn your meals into family traditions.

By creating family traditions with your meals, you provide your children with a sense of unity and stability for today, and happy memories for the rest of their lives. Traditions can be simple:: blueberry pancakes on Saturday mornings, or banana splits for dessert on Friday nights. They can also be more elaborate for special occasions. You may have a particular cake you make every 4th of July decorated with strawberries and blueberries to look like the American flag; or perhaps there are times when your family always has a formal dinner with the good china, candles and a fresh flower centerpiece. Some families begin their Sunday dinners by going around the table, with each person reading a poem or sharing a story about something funny that happened during the previous week.

Another enjoyable mealtime custom is the “Red Plate” tradition. “This is an early American custom in which a red plate (or any specially-colored plate) is set at the place of the family member who has had a very special day, such as a birthday or good grade in school,” James says. “You do not need to do it every meal. Maybe you'd just do it on a weekly or monthly basis or whenever something exciting happens to someone in the family.”

Lifestyles may have changed a lot in the last generation. Many moms are working full-time jobs outside the home, in addition to taking care of the household. Time seems to be a lot more precious for everyone. Still, the importance of the family meal is one thing that has remained constant. Make shared meals a tradition in your household. Give your children warm, family memories that hopefully someday, they can pass on to their own children.

****

Rebecca Sweat is a freelance magazine journalist specializing in health, pets and family topics. She lives in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area with her husband and two sons.

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