Articles & Links: Library of Relationship Development

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Thomas and Martha Neate, with Tutor. Joshua Reynolds ~ Oil on canvas. 167 x 180 cm. 1748. The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York, USA.  Image courtesy of Olga's Gallery.

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Relationship Development

Even when we know how to have good relationships, it can be hard to consistently do the things that ensure them. But the more we know about keeping our relationships solid, the more likely it is that we will take the right actions.

Various credos offer similar advice about how to sustain good relationships.  One common theme is the concept that has become known as "the Golden Rule," or "Treat others the way you'd like to be treated."  A similar concept is the oft-quoted, "To have a friend, first you must be a friend."  Both of these concepts refer to the development of the quality of empathy—arguably the most crucial building block for good relationships.  There is much discussion among philosophers and psychologists about how to fully define this quality, but there is little doubt that without it, society would crumble.  When people fail to develop sufficient empathy, they become miscreants, criminals, and in extreme cases, psychopaths. With this in mind it is easy to see that the importance of developing empathy in the pursuit of good relationships can hardly be over-emphasized.

We learn empathy at a very young age from those who have the most influence on us at important stages of our development. Ideally, but not always, this would be our parents, though all of our family relationships are interwoven to some degree.  The way we interact with our siblings affects the way we interact with our parents, and vice-versa. If we are parents, our relationships with each other can affect all of the relationships our children will ever have. Emotional connections within our related families have a huge impact on the way we respond to and interact with our friends, neighbors and co-workers.

Human beings are very resilient and because of this we are capable of weathering tragic events that inevitably occur within our families.  Death and divorce are two such events that completely change a child's environment and can have an important impact on his or her relationships.  Fortunately, when an effort is made to understand and provide for the extra needs of children who have suffered loss through such events, the adversity can prove to be a catalyst for positive growth. The ideal situation, however, would be to spare a child the loss of such important basic relationships if it is possible and/or safe to do so. While some divorces are necessary for the physical safety of the children, not all divorces that occur can be traced to reasons of violence or abuse.  Many occur simply because the marriage has been neglected by one or both partners.

When each parent is committed to a marriage and to the pursuit of a good relationship with his or her spouse, the likelihood of divorce is greatly reduced, and children can feel secure in the hope that their basic need for a stable environment will be fulfilled. Naturally there is a great deal of philosophical argument over whether a "good" divorce is better than a "bad" marriage, but it is probably fair to say that two people who loved each other enough to start a marriage should be capable of sustaining and nurturing that marriage if they are both working at the relationship with a strong commitment to the ethical treatment of one another and are interacting with maturity and empathy.  In other words—if there is no "bad" marriage, a "good" divorce won't be necessary.

Much has been discovered in recent years about the lasting imprint divorce makes on the lives of children.  When questioned after reaching adulthood, many express the confusion they felt as children over their role in the family, and they relate divisions in their own personality and identity. But there are many more considerations besides divorce that contribute to a child's ability to develop good relationship skills.  Some of these can be found in the articles and links in our Library of Relationship Development -- please feel free to browse these as you get the chance. You will also find a variety of articles addressing empathy, and other strategies for developing good relationships with all of those whose paths cross yours, whether family, friends or acquaintances.